A Soul's Journey to Healing

I’m referring to anti-depressants, I often call them crutches BUT please don’t misunderstand me here – this is only me making light of them so I don’t get all antsy about having to take medication okay! I know they can be a really helpful tool to helping us get back on track, so I’ve never had an issue with taking them.

Anyway, my sister had been watching from the sidelines and was able to read between the lines online as well as the times I reached out to her each time I’d had a meltdown. I don’t know how to explain something – I fear, regardless of how I put it, it’s going to sound bad for some people – but she’s the one I turn to when I need help because the three I live with aren’t all that good at it. I’m hoping my husband learns how to help me over time.

She knew how dark my thoughts were getting so she suggested she take me to see her doctor, I was all for that. If I can live my life in the best way possible and continue to breathe then I’ll be happy. She took me on Saturday morning.

I hate seeing new doctors, specialists, or anyone who works in a “helping” profession, especially about my depression and all the related things. How in such a short time do you fill them in on enough to give them a decent picture of what’s going on and where the other issues lie?

I adopted an approach 9 years ago where I go equipped with a list. I have two lists actually, I have my mental health one and my back list (dodgy back).

I wrote up my new list for her, just in point form. This gives the doctor the ability to have a quick scan over it and it enables them to zoom in on how to direct the questions. There are questions regardless, I don’t mind that at all, what I find hard is sitting down and looking at them with a “oh shit, where do I start?” look. Then I get all tongue tied, I forget to tell them relevant things that they really need to know to enable them to help me best.

She scanned the list and just looked at me and said “Oh my God…you’ve been through so much!” I know, I know, it reads a little like a horror story, I really hate people knowing about my history, most people don’t know the scope of what I’ve been through. I’m not the only person on this earth to go through countless horrors though, I know that, there are millions of people out there who have.

I don’t know what it is though, I think I find it weird when someone says something like that “you’ve been through so much”. I know I have but it’s not a score I keep in a sense, I guess part of me buries a lot of it. I know it’s all there, I can recall (unfortunately) most of it when I need to but it’s somehow distant from me until someone brings it all back home to me like she did.

So, I have to have a blood test tomorrow so she can just check a couple of things out, and I go see her again on Friday (with my sister haha – my minder I should say), she wants to work out a care plan and get me off to a psychologist again but wanted to start getting me back on track with the anti-depressants first. It’s just a bummer they take a while to kick in fully – it’s okay, I’ll get there.

I am hanging in there, shit it’s hard some days – but if you’re here reading this, it’s probably something YOU already understand! I guess the good thing is that I know my warning signs and do reach out, not always to a medical professional but to someone who will help me make that first step.