How to help a self-injurer

If someone you care about has told you they intentionally injure themselves, you have been given an extraordinary amount of trust. Self Injurers do not trust others easily and tend to be very cautious who they let past their defenses. Now you've been entrusted with this new information the best way to respond is with love, not condemnation.

Its okay to be honest and mention how it may frighten you to think of that person harming themselves, but the best thing to say at this point is something along these lines: "Would you like to talk? Is there anything I can do? I can't understand fully what you're going through but I care and I want to help you get through this."

This is the best approach as it focuses on emotion which is the driving force behind self-injury. It says you desire to help the person through whatever they are going through and says "I love you" which many self-injurers don't hear often enough.

Always follow these guidlines when responding to self-injury:

Many self-injurers have 'walls' up. This is not your fault. Their lives have taught them that keeping people out at different times is an effective way to avoid pain. If you have been entrusted with their secret of self-injury then at least you have the advantage of knowing where the door inside is. At times the door will be open to you, while other times you will be almost forcibly removed.

It can be complicated and frustrating on your part but there are times when it is for the best to just back off and give them their space.

Other times they are hiding burdens from you because they fear your response. You are then usually pushed, sometimes rather roughly away. Always remember that this isn't your fault, its just an instinctive response on the part of the self-injurer. If you do come up against a 'wall' you have to decide whether its safe to push. Heres how to tell:

Example: "I hate it when people condemn things they know nothing about." This isn't simply a random comment. It could be interpreted as saying, "Something someone said or did today is really bugging me." An appropriate reponse would be something like: "So do I, ignorance has no place in this world, especially when it causes other people pain. I find that insensitive and cruel."

By answering in this fashion you:

• give their comment validity
• show your understanding
• leave the door open for them to continue without asking directly if anything is wrong

Watch for signs of closure. Do they answer monosyllabically?

This is probably the most complicated circumstance you will have to deal with. If you can't get anything out of them no matter what you try, something is either dreadfully wrong or they don't want to talk to anyone.

Example:
"Are you all right? Did anything happen that you want to talk about?"
"No"
"Are you thinking of hurting yourself?"

(NB: There is a vast difference in asking, "Are you thinking about hurting?" and "Did you hurt?". Under no circumstances ask if they have hurt themselves unless they've given you permission to do so.)

Depending on their answer, you can decide if they are in immediate danger. If they are, do not leave them alone!! I have yet to meet anyone that will hurt themselves while in the company of a trusted friend. Ask anybody: Love beats pain any day.

Never demean the self-injurer.

TOP 10 THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A SELF-INJURER

10. Thats so disgusting, I don't want to hear about it.
9. Why do you do that to yourself? Don't you know how freaky it is?
8. Why don't you just stop?
7. Can I see the cuts?
6. I don't have time for this right now, talk to me later.
5. If you do that, I'm out of here.
4. What was going through your head when you did that? Weren't you thinking?
3. That can leave scars, you know.
2. How stupid can you be? Deliberately hurting yourself?
1. Good-bye.

By saying any one of these (#7 the exception) you might as well slap them and scream in their faces that they are inferior beings unworthy of your presence. I'm not saying threats don't work -- they do, in fact, too well. They cause us to withdraw, they evoke feelings of shame and they topple our precarious positions.

Set up a Safety System

This is one of the most important resources a self-injurer can have. The extent of the system depends on three things:

• The amount of trust they have in you as a helper, • How far they want you involved in this aspect of their life, • If they want to stop hurting altogether.

The Safety System is an individual thing between self-injurer and helper and is solely a form of communication.

For many, the idea of living without self-injury is extremely threatening. In this case tapering off the rate at which they self-injure is a more reasonable - and acceptable - goal.