For those who love an abuse survivor
These are quite useful for those trying to deal with someone who has been abused.
The Don’ts
- I don’t believe you were ever abused.
- Why can’t you just forget it?
- That’s in the past. Why keep bringing it up?
- Can’t you just let go? It’s not happening now.
- Why are you making such a big deal? You were only three.
- Just pray about it. Give it to God.
- You are the problem, not what happened.
- Why didn’t you stop it?
- Stop thinking about it. It’s a sin. The Bible says to think on things that are good.
- What did you do to cause it to happen?
- Why can’t you hurry up and get over this?
- Forget the past and move on toward the future.
- You’re not forgiving. You have to forgive or God won’t help you.
- I am so sick of this. What about me?
- You have got to quit feeling sorry for yourself.
The Do’s
Do stand ready…
- to give support
- to give acceptance
- to give love
- to give time
- to give understanding
- to give interest
- to give forgiveness
- to give help
- to give belief
- to give prayer
- to give encouragement
- to give hope
- to give honour
- to give trust
- to give validation
I can’t emphasise enough the importance of validation.
Indications of recovery
- Willing to face the abuse and acknowledge the hurt and the pain.
- Able to express feelings and thoughts to others about the abuse.
- Understands that s/he was a victim; that regardless of any consent s/he may have given, s/he was a victim.
- Further understands that s/he was a victim of abuse regardless of any physical arousal s/he may have experienced.
- Considers the abuse a violation.
- Realises the damage experienced and has overcome personal feelings of shame and guilt.
- Can identify personal style of relating to others, including attempts to avert further hurt by avoiding honesty and intimacy.
- Is able to overcome unrealistic fears and is not plagued with continued anxiety.
- Has experienced an increase in sense of worth as a person and is able to trust others.
- Has the ability to have intimate relationships with spouse, family and friends.
- Is free from the burdens of perfectionism, of rage, or bitterness, and of depression.
Adapted from “Beyond the Darkness” by Cynthia Kubetin and James Mallory, M.D.
